The Philosophical WIFE,
OR,
Undeniable Demonstrations
Proving
A WIFE to be the best Philosopher.
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THey'r many that Wedlock a Plague do call,
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And have curs'd it ever since Adams Fall,
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Yet these are but dull Philosophers all,
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Which nobody can deny.
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For when Adam led a single life,
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Sole Monarch of the World, and free from strife,
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To compleat his Bliss, he still wanted a Wife,
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Which nobody will deny.
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To make this out, that you may know so,
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I'le prove in spight of each Braggadocio,
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That a Wife's the only Virtuoso,
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Which nobody, etc.
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In Grammar first, her skill's not slender,
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She shews the Case, and Declines not the Gender,
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And in varying Amo, there's no man can mend her,
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Which nobody, etc.
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What though her Stock perhaps be but small
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I'th Languages raiz'd at Babels fall,
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Her own Tongue utters more than they all,
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Which nobody, etc.
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Her Rhetorick next is more moving far,
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Than a spruce young Lawers new call'd to the Barr,
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When with Tropes and Figures he levies Warr,
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Which nobody, etc.
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For when an obliging Wench does perswade,
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Each Man forgets his Credit and Trade,
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And streight like a sneaking Cully's betrayd,
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Which nobody, etc.
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But when to chop Logick, her mind is bent,
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The Fool her Husband were best be content,
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Or else he's in a sad Predicament,
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Which nobody, etc.
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In Numbers she hath knowledge store,
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And duly reckons the Ale-house Score,
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By Debitor and Creditor over the Dore,
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Which my Hostess cannot deny.
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I'th Art of Musick she leads the Van,
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She knows Elevation, and Backfalls, and can
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Make her Husband shake when she acteth the Man,
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Which nobody, etc.
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Her Tune she can easily grace and embellish,
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Her Husband she kisses, and that's a good rellish;
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But if she falls out there's no Musick so Hellish,
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Which nobody, etc.
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Hence come the Beats, and they'r never at rest,
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Till at last by a Cadent they fall to their Nest,
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For there they can play their Rellishes best,
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In Astrology next, none righter than she,
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Can Calculate a Nativity,
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With Venus none better acquainted can be,
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But Aries and Taurus are Enemies still,
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The changable Moon too her Husband doth kill;
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For she by Example brings Horns when she will,
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Which nobody can deny.
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And when she is crabbed you'l swear that the Sun
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Just then to the Tropick of Cancer is run,
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For the House is too hot till her humour be done.
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Which nobody, etc.
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Now if that her love be cold, and she scorn
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Her Husband, declining to Capricorn;
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'Tis a Sign the poor Cuckold may wind his Horn,
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Which nobody, etc.
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But if thou art kind and of frolliking brains,
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And too much blood hath extended thy Veins.
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She can give thee a Potion to purge thy Reins,
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Which nobody, etc.
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In Law too she hath knowledge, for if from thy Bed
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She fly; or incensed begins to look red,
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You'l find by her Law she may scratch her own head,
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Which nobody, etc.
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Though Dike for Limning famous be,
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And no man ever drew better than he;
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Yet he ne're drew Boyes so lively as She,
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Which nobody, etc.
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I'th Mathematicks too she leads the Ring,
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Where Demonstrations she can bring,
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That the middle's the Centre of every thing,
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Which nobody, etc.
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This by th'Attractive Power she'll prove,
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Whereby Things do their Centre move,
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Since every Man to the middle doth move,
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Which nobody, etc.
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Though Chymists, Natures bratts alone
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May call themselves, yet there is none
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But She, that can find the Philosopher's Stone,
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Which nobody, etc.
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Then let each Philosopher quickly agree,
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To get him a Wife his Leader to be,
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For none's so Philosophical as She,
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Which nobody can deny.
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