THE POOR CLIENT'S
COMPLAINT
Done out of BUCHANNAN.
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COlin by Promise being Oblig'd to pay,
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Me such a Sum, betwixt and such a day:
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I ask'd it; he refus'd it; I addrest
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Aulus the Lawyer: He reply'd, it's best
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To Sue him at the Law. I'le make him debtor;
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Your Cause is good, there cannot be a better.
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Being thus advis'd away to Pete I trudge,
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Pray him, and pay him to bespeak the Judge:
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Engag'd thus far be't better be it worse
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I must proceed, and thus I do depurse.
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For Writing Summons, Signing, Signeting:
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With a red Plaster and a Paper Ring;
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For Summoning the Principal, and then
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For Citeing Witnesses to say Amen;
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For Executions (alias Indersations)
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For Tabling, Calling with Continuations:
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Next for Consulting Aulus and his Man;
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(For he must be Consulted now and than)
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For pleading in the Outter-house and Inner.
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From Ten to Twelve, then Aulus goes to Dinner:
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For Writing Bills, for reading them, for Answers
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More dubious then those of Necromancers.
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For Interlocutors, for little Acts.
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For large Decreets, and their as large Extracts:
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For Hornings, for discussing of Suspensions,
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Full Stuff'd with Lies and frivolous Pretensions:
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For Please your Lordship and such like Petitions,
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For raising and for serving Inhibitions.
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And for Comprysings, or Adjudications,
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For their Allowances for Registrations;
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With many other Acts and Protestations,
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Which may be Summ'd up in one word Vexations.
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Then unexpectedly upon a small
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Defect alledg'd, Colin Reduces all:
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We to't again, and Aulus doth disjoynt
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The Process, and debates it Point by Point;
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The Cause at length's Concluded, but not ended,
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This made me Wonder! Aulus he pretended,
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Decreets must not be given out at Randum,
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But most abide a serious Avisandum.
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Conform to course of Roll; when that will be
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Indeed I cannot tell, nor yet can he.
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Thus Aulus hath for Ten years space Extended
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The Plea, and further more I have Expended
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Vast Sums, to wit, for Washing, Lodging, Dyer,
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Yet seldom did I rest, or sleep in quiet.
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For Coal, for Candle, Paper, Pen, and Ink.
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And such like things, which truely one would think,
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Were unsignificant, but yet they're come
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In Ten Years space unto a pretty Sum.
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To Macers, Turn-keys, Agents, Catchpols, Petes,
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Servants, Sub-servants, petty Foggers, Cheats;
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For Morning-drinks, Four-hours, half-Gills at Noon
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To fit their Stomack for the Fork & Spoon,
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To which they go, but I poor man mean while
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Slip quietly to the Earl of Murray's *Isle. *OldKirk
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We meet again at two, then to disgenst
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Their bellyful they'l have a Gill at least,
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Sometimes a double One; for Brandy-wine
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Can only end the War call'd intestine:
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For Mum, Sack, Claret, White-wine, Purl, Beer, Ale,
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(One he would have it new, another stale)
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Both must be pleas'd, for Pipes, Tobacco, Snuff,
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Tuist, Coffee, Tea, and a greasie Stuff
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Call'd Chocolet, Punch, Clarified Whey,
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With other Drinks, all which I duely pay:
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For Rolls, for Nackets, Roundabouts, Sour Kakes,
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For Cheshire-Cheese, fresh Butter, Cuckies, Bakes,
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For Panches, Saucers, Sheepheads, Cheats, Plack-pyes,
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Lamb-legs, Lamb kirnels, and Lamb Privities.
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Skait, Lobsters, Oysters, Mussels, Wilks, Neats Tongues.
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One he for Leeks, Beer, and Red-herring songs.
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This must be had. an other doth prefer
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Raw herring, Onions, Oyl, Spice, Vinegar.
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Rare Composition; and he's truly sorry
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It's not in Colpeppers Dispensatory:
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Fot Aples, Peers, Plumbs, Cherrys, Nuts Green-pease
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Dulce, Tangles, Purstain, Turnapes, Radishes,
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With fourty other Things, I have forgot,
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And I'm a Villain if I pay'd them not.
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Moreover my Affairs at Home sustain
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Both the emergent Loss, and cessant Gain:
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Aulus himself terms this a double loss,
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And I call him and it, a triple Cross:
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By all these means my Expences do surmount
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Near ten times, ten times Colin's first Account.
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And now e're that I wholly be bereft
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Of th' little Time and Money to me left,
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I'm at the length resolved thus to do,
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I'le shun my Debitor and Lawyer too:
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And after this I never will give credit
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Unto one Word, if either of them said it:
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You'l ask which of the two I'd rather shun,
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Aulus; it's he, it's he hath me undone,
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I've Words from both, yet sad Experience tells,
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That Colin gives, but Aulus dearly sells.
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Th' unwary Reader thinks perhaps that I
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Have pen'd a Satyre 'gainst the Faculty;
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those who by their accurate Debates
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Mantain our Rights and settle our Estates;
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Who do their very Lungs with pleading spend
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Us 'gainst Oppressors Stiffly to defend
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A gross mistake, for I'lle be sworn I do
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Admire their parts and their profession too
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I wish that Law and Lawyers both may thrive;
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And at the hight of Grander so arrive
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That in all good Mens Eyes they may appear
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Like Burnisht Gold both beautifull and clear
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That this may be: (and 'tis for this I pray)
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Rust must be scour'd off, Cobwebbs sweept away.
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