THE
INFORMERS Lecture
To his Sons, instructing them in the Mysteries of that Religion.
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COme children, come, and learn your Fathers trade,
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Though all else fail, here's good advantage made:
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Come, come away, and learn my Precepts all,
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They'l make you rich, you'l get the Devil and all.
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Your very breath shall do't, my art is such,
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No Lawyer with his Tongue gets half so much:
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Time ne're till now did open such a door
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To wealth, to those that had spent all before.
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No trade like this, no gains can clearer be;
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There's none have cause to glory more than we:
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The gainfull'st trade comes short, the richest fails,
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Merchants themselves may here to us strike Sails.
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The nimble Cut-purse alwayes works in fears,
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He ventures Neck and all, we but our Ears:
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The Souldier ventures hard for Spoils, and so
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Gets them by force, but we do'nt strike a blow:
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The High-way men oft meet with many a Prey,
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And yet we drive a richer trade than they:
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For Jugler-like we need not bid them stand,
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Blow but a blast, our Money's in our hand:
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The Paritor, though he be near of kin,
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In such a way of trading ne're has bin:
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The pilfering Thief's in danger of the Stocks,
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And Curtizans and Whores may fear the Pox;
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This marres their Markets, makes them work in fear,
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But in our Calling no such dangers are.
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We need not fear, no danger's in our eye:
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At least if we can scape the Pillory:
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And truly this we need not fear a jot,
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Hundreds that have deserv'd it, have it not:
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And if we had, for all their Mocks and Jears,
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For twenty pound who would not lose his Ears?
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We neither Preach nor Pray, we take no pains,
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Preaching and Praying bravely us maintains:
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They preach and pray, we swear, yet who gets more?
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We thrive by swearing, preaching makes them poor.
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We sail with tide, against the stream they rowe,
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Swearing's the All-a-mode in fashion now.
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Why should we labour? will not swearing doe?
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That gets both Money and Preferment too.
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Some Swearers formerly did Money give,
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And yet it is by Swearing that we live.
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And Perjury's but a small fault; what more?
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And better too than we have been forswore:
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And what a Crime is this? is this so bad?
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'Tis but turn Papist, Pardons may be had.
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Whoever then is poor may thank himself,
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Never did Mortals easier get their wealth.
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Learn lustily to swear, to damn and rant,
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And then my life for yours, you'l never want.
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Though swear you must, all swearing will not serve;
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Many that swear and curse, yet want and sterve.
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There is an Art in't all men do not know,
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And this I'le now to you (my Children) show.
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Take my directions, and you need not fear,
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I'le shew you how, and when, and what to swear.
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Mark when you swear, be sure to swear for gain,
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'Tis those that swear for nought, that swear in vain.
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Be sure Inform, do this without dispute,
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But yet don't meddle with forbidden Fruit:
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Observe your Friends, strive not against the tyde,
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Oppose not those that are o'th' rising side.
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Church-men in pow'r, whate're be their Offence,
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Meddle not with, we will with them dispence.
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For this should be the chiefest of your care,
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To know for whom, and against whom you swear.
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For if you should reform all things amiss,
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It would undo you, meddle not with this.
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A thousand Oaths you hear, and many a Lye,
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Meddle not yet, you've better Fish to frye:
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For swearing, whoring, drinking overmuch,
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Are genteel sins, and these you must not touch;
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'Tis not the Mark at which you ought to aim,
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You're Hunts-men, mind not then so low a game.
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Though Papists, Atheists, God and Christ blaspheme,
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If you Inform, you'l sail against the stream:
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The Pocky-nose, and the red-pimpled face,
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Are not the persons that you have in chase.
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These little sins that are not worth reforming,
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Will never bring a Peny for informing.
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Fanaticks faults are of a deeper dye,
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And therefore mind these well, for so do I;
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Mind therefore their Offences, yet not all,
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But chiefly that they do their Duty call.
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Praying and Preaching, these are worse by far,
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Than swearing, whoring, or blaspheming are:
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For men may Swear unto their dying day,
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Before they be compell'd a Groat to pay:
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Fanatick Preaching though ne're so precise,
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Is more infectious far than Swearing is.
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Adultery! no doubt Fanaticks love it,
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And are as bad as we, if we could prove it.
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The mischief is, they sin as bad no doubt
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In secret, but the Devil brings ours out.
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If you should find them guilty, for your pains
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Shame them enough, but this is all your gains.
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But meddle not too much, such is our Fate,
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Press them too hard, they will retaliate.
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Be sure with Whores and Harlots you dispense,
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For fear you give the Worshipful Offence.
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The Sabbath-breakers sins are less by far,
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Than the Offences of Tub-preachers are.
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The Sodomites did many things amiss,
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Yet ne're were guilty of such sin as this.
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These Meetings are more dangerous by far,
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Than Bull-baits, Bear-baits or Cock-fightings are:
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Stage-playes and Morrice-danes, Masks and Showes,
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Wakes, May-games, Puppet-playes, and such as those
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More harmless are; for all their Mocks and Jears
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Are innocent, if but compar'd with theirs:
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You need not such-like numerous meetings fear,
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There's none but Loyal Subjects will be here.
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Whore-house and Stews which Gallants do frequent,
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Compar'd with these are far more innocent:
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'Tis five or six crept in some hole to pray,
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That Plot the ruine of the Monarchy;
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Women and Children have been prov'd of late,
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To be supplanters of the Church and State.
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Some Countrey People, though yet out of sight,
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Do put the King and Kingdom in a fright:
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And those that neither Sword nor Staff did bear,
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Have made a Riot, put the World in fear.
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Though France and Spain, and Rome, and all conspire
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Against our Land, our City set on fire;
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Threaten a Massacre, to spill our Blood,
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To bring in Popery on us like a Flood:
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If half a score Fanaticks come to hear,
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They'l put the Nation in a greater fear.
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Get God but on their side, where are we then?
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Keep them asunder, that they might not pray,
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Or do your best to keep their God away;
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For fear lest he should hear when they do cry,
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And should Conventicle as well as they.
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If they storm Heaven before us, 'tis a venture,
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Whether they'l leave us any room to enter.
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What though for King and Kingdom they do pray,
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If we will Swear they mind it to destroy?
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They Plot in secret though we do not hear it,
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We know it well enough, and we dare swear it.
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The Papists are by far more innocent,
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For all their Plots, have far less mischief meant.
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What those call piety, we must confess
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They prosecute but in a fowler dress.
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Call it Rebellion, Schism, or what is bad,
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Those that will kill a dog must say he's mad.
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Say they are plotting and conspiring too,
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And boldly Swear it, if that will not do.
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What though your conscience give your tongue the lie,
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Heed not your conscience for to lose thereby.
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Praying and Preaching! this is worse by far,
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Than all the crying Sins of Sodom are;
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These sins are acted o're and o're each day,
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Yet no one yet his forty pound did pay:
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The fault is greater, and the danger's more,
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To teach five Sisters, than to bed a score.
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These are but tricks of youth, yea harmless toyes,
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Whatever God, and Man, and Conscience sayes.
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Gods Laws condemn these sins say they: what then?
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We know not those, we know the Laws of men.
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Preaching and Praying, say men what they will,
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You must regard, this water drives your Mill.
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One Sermon brings more profit ten times over,
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Than if you should a thousand whores discover.
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Fanatick-preachers bring more gain no doubt,
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Than if you found so many Jesuits out.
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Swearing and Whoring now is all in fashion,
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Preaching and Praying are the sins of th' Nation.
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A Jesuit's a mild and Gentle man,
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If we compare him with the Puritan:
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Who say in Doctrine they with us agree,
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And they are Protestants as well as we,
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'Gainst Ceremonies only they contend,
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Which do their queasy Stomacks so offend.
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Well be it so: e're they and we agree,
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We'll make them swallow knives as well as we.
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And though in secret corners now they sneak,
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E're long we'll make them either bend or break.
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We'll teach them shortly without much adoe,
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To bow to th' Altar, and the Image too:
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Whoe're commands, we'll make them to obey,
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The Bishops do't, and therefore why not they?
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We'll bring them down betime, for there's no doubt
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If times should change, they'l be the first stand out.
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Those that the Bishops laws do now withstand,
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We'll not obey, no though the Pope command.
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'Gainst King's and Kingdom's sins they rage and roar,
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When in their Tubs they care not who they goar.
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In a right course therefore that you may sail,
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Take these directions and you cannot fail.
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Those men that will not pray and preach in jest,
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Mark these, they are more dang'rous than the rest.
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Those that act Sermons, as a Stage-players part,
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You need not fear them, they are sound at heart.
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Those that against the Nations sins exclaim,
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Are like to bring to you the Greatest gain.
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He that doth rather chuse i'th' fire to burn,
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Before he'll Atheist or a Papist turn;
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A Grand affronter of Authority.
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He that doth bow, and bend, and stand, and sit,
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And shift his sails still as the wind doth flit,
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Observe his Leaders, and his right-hand-man,
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Ne're fear, he'll never turn a Puritan.
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But he that Serveth God for love, not mony,
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Without Tradition or a Ceremony;
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As the Apostles did in dayes of yore,
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Who never Cross did use or Surplice wore:
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And those that in their Family would pray,
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And not the Sabbath spend in sports and play:
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Beware of those, for it is ten to one,
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They're foully tainted, if not wholly gone:
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As also those that unto Sermons gad,
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Papists and Atheists are not half so bad:
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Watch those, and they will fall into your trap,
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And when they once are in let none escape.
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With Sermon, Prayer, and Fasting, bait the Net,
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And a full draught you will be sure to get.
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But venture Swearers, Drunkards, never fear,
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You need not watch them, they will ne're come ther[e]
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Taverns and Whore-houses they haunt, 'tis plain,
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You'l meet them there, but nothing to your gain.
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Having your prey before you, spare ye none,
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And whensoe're you Swear, be sure Swear home.
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I hate these quaking fellows, that are loath
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To swear to purpose, these but spoil an Oath.
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E're I'de lose Twenty pound for want of reaching,
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I would Swear home, and Swear that praying's preac[h]in[g]
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In doubtful cases you may safely Swear,
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For twenty pound who would not lose an Ear?
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And sometimes when you cannot come to see,
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Swear those are present that are us'd to be.
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March on brave Lads, fear not to drink and roar,
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While the Fanatick's rich we'll ne're be poor.
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We shall get mony from these rustick Boars,
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To pay our debts, and to maintain our Whores.
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Like Furies haunt Fanaticks to the death,
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Leave not while they have mony, life, or breath.
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To drink, to drab, to whore, to lye, to swear,
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It is the Garb that all our Tradesmen wear.
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Hap'ly they'l call us Knaves, but 'tis no shame,
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For any honest man to own his name.
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O but our Names will rot they say! what then?
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Let's dye like Beasts, so we may live like Men.
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But God will plague us in a darksome Den,
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I would we could be sure to 'scape till then.
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They do their duty: Well, and so do we,
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Our wives and Children must maintained be.
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But of all men, they say, we are the worst,
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The Fox thrives best (they say) when he's most curst
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Many Informers Beggars prove to be;
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And many Tradesmen break, whats that to me?
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With Stocks and Pillory they would us fear,
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Many for money lose more than an Ear.
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But ill got goods third Heirs do seldom see!
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We mean our own Executors to be.
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Sons ply your work, while you have ought to do,
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For fear the Parliament prove Round-heads too:
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And pray, no law in England may be made
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To help Fanatick's, or to spoil our trade.
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If once the Papists get the upper hand,
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Our trade will mend, though other trades should stand
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If this succeed (my Sons) let's never fear,
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They shall to Mass, as well as Common-prayer.
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Mean-while we'll let them cant, we'll sing and roar,
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And with their Money drink, and drab, and whore.
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