John and Joan:
OR,
A mad couple well met.
To the tune of the Paratour.
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YOu nine Castalian Sisters
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that keep Parnassus hill,
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Come down to me,
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and let me bee
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inspired with your skill,
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That well I may demonstrate,
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a piece of houshold stuffe,
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you that are wed
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mark what is sedd,
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Beware of taking snuffe.
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A mad phantastick couple,
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a yong man and a Lasse,
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with their content
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and friends consent
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resolvd their times to passe
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As man and wife together,
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and so they marryd were,
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of this mad match
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I made this Catch,
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which you that please may hear.
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They both had imperfections,
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which might have caused strife
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the man would sweare,
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and domineere,
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so also would his wife.
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If John went to one Alehouse,
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Joan ran unto the next,
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betwixt them both
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they made an oath,
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That neither would be vext.
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What ever did the good man
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his wife would doe the like,
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if he was pleasd
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she was appeasd,
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if he would kick, sheed strike.
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If queane or slut he cald her,
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shee calld him rogue and knave,
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if he would fight,
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sheed scratch and bite,
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He could no victory have.
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If John his dog had beaten,
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then Joan would beat her cat,
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If John in scorne
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his band would burn,
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Joan would have burnt her hat.
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If John would breake a Pipkin,
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then Joan would break a pot,
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thus he and she
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did both agree
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To waste all that they got.
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If John would eate no victuals,
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then Joan would be as crosse,
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they would not eat
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but savd their meat,
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In that there was no losse.
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If John were bent to feasting,
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then Joan was of his mind,
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in right or wrong
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both sung one song,
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As Fortune them assignd.
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The second part To the same tune.
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IN Taverne or in Alehouse,
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if John and Joan did meet,
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who ere was by
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in company,
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might tast their humors sweet:
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What ever John had cald for,
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Joan would not be out-dard,
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those that lackd drink
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through want of chink
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For them the better fard.
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Thus would they both sit drinking,
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as long as coine did last,
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nay more then this,
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ere they would misse
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good liquor for their taste,
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John would have dammd his doublet,
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his cloak or any thing,
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and Joan would pawne
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her coife of Lawne,
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Her bodkin or her ring.
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If John were drunk, and reeled,
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then Joan would fall ith fire,
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if John fell downe
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ith midst oth towne,
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beewraid in dirt and mire,
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Joan like a kind co-partner,
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scornd to stand on her feet,
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but down sheed fall
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before them all,
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And role about the street.
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If John had cald his Host knave,
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Joan cald her Hostis whore,
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for such like crimes
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they oftentimes
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were both thrust out of dore.
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If John abusd the Constable,
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Joan would have beat the Watch
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thus man and wife,
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in peace or strife,
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Each other sought to match.
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But mark now how it chanced,
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after a yeare or more,
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this couple mad
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all wasted had,
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and were grown very poore,
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John could no more get liquor,
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nor Joan could purchase drink,
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then both the man
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and wife began
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Upon their states to thinke.
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Thus beat with their own wepons,
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John thus to Joan did say,
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Sweet heart I see
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we two agree
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the cleane contrary way,
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Henceforth lets doe in goodnesse.
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as we have done in ill,
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Ile doe my best,
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doe thou the rest:
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A match quoth Joan, I will.
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So leaving those mad humors
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which them before possest,
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both man and wife
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doe lead a life
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in plenty, peace, and rest:
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Now John and Joan both jointly,
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doe set hands to the Plough.
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Let all doe so
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in weale or woe,
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And theyl do well enough. M.P.
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