Simple SIMONs Misfortunes,
And his Wife MARGERYS Cruelty;
Who Poisoned Him with a Bottle of Sack.
Tune--Delights of the Bottle.
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COME listen a while and here I will relate,
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A ditty of Simons poor sorrowful fate:
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His wife was to anger most cruelly bent,
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That seldom, poor man, he could give her content.
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But she for her own part so loved Sack,
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That often she tippld behind Simons back.
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A bottle she got, which held two quarts or more,
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Well filld with canary, hung behind the door:
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Then telling of Simon it was poison strong,
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And said, If he touchd it, it would do him wrong;
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Therefore Id have you be ruld by your wife,
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One drop is enough to cost you your life.
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The wife of poor Simon had a sow and pigs,
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Besides hens and turkeys, that had store of eggs;
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With ewes and weathers, nay innocent lambs,
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Who in the forest did sport with their dams.
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To Simon she gave the charge of them all,
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But see what hard fortune did to him befal:
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He did his endeavour to live free from strife,
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Yet still thro misfortunes he angers his wife:
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As by this new ditty I will make appear,
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If you will be pleased to lend me an ear.
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His losses and crosses they came on so fast,
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That he of his wife was weary at last.
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One morning she sent him to tend the sheep,
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And bid bim be careful he did not sleep;
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Some victuals she gave him in his hand,
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That he might the better obey her command;
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But he fell asleep by his sheep on the plain,
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While six of the lambs by the foxes were slain.
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This caused distraction betwixt them for a time,
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Till Simon beggd pardon for his cruel crime.
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Next morning she sent him the goslins to tend,
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And said, On my favour, see you dont offend.
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But mark the misfortune that happend ere night,
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Five of the best goslins were seizd by a kite.
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Poor Simon was neer so dismayd in his life,
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He knew not what answer to make to his wife.
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Next morning she sent him to milk the cow,
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And then a disaster was done by the sow;
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For while he was driving the young pigs away,
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The sow in the dairy was swigging the whey.
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The cheese from the vat she did tear and haul;
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And threw down the cream, destroying it all:
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Poor Simon he wept, and made piteous moan:
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The sow burst her belly, and so lost her life,
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This was the renewal of sorrow and strife.
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Now as she happened to see this sad sight,
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To Simon she straitway flew like a spright;
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Then lugging his ears, and wringing his nose,
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She beat him till tears run out at his hose;
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At every blow she to Simon did say,
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Remember the goslins the kite stole away.
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Now seeing what life he was like to lead,
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He unto the chamber did hasten with speed,
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To seize on the bottle I mentiond before,
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Which he thought was poison behind the door;
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And vowd he would drink it to finish his life,
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Rather than live with so cruel a wife.
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He opend the window that stood to the south,
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And setting the bottle of sack to his mouth,
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Said he, I this poison drink with all my heart,
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And at the first draught he drank down a quart:
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Then setting the bottle once more to his snout,
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He never left swigging till it was all out.
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Then he fell down like one bereft of life.
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Im poisond says he, by the means of my wife;
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I now feel it flowing in every vein,
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The strength is so great it tickles my brain,
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My stomach, my belly, nay every part,
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And tho I am poisond I feel no great smart.
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His wife by the window did happen to walk,
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And hearing Simon how he did talk,
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In se[ar]ch of her bottle she up stairs did run,
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To see in the chamber what Simon had done.
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He lay by the bottle, as if of life bereft,
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But never a drop of sack had he left.
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Im poisond, said he, by the means of my wife,
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Let me be at quiet now Ive lost my life.
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Cotso! if youre poisond then I will contrive,
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A medicine straitway to fetch you alive;
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A powder she presently blew up his nose,
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Then like one frantic he straitway arose;
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Down stairs he run in the open street,
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All people were frighted that Simon did meet;
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His wife run after thro thick and thin,
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And with a cudgel belabourd his skin.
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The weight of her cudgel made Simon to roar,
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At length a kind neighbour let him in a-door;
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They sent for his wife, who came without fail,
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Their peace was made over a jug of good ale:
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Now Simon was freed from all care and dread,
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The neighbours in merriment got them to bed.
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That night, no doubt he pleased his wife,
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For now he leads a happy life.
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