Mans Felicity and Misery:
Which is, a good Wife and a bad: or the best and the
worst, discoursed in a Dialogue betweene
Edmund and David.
To the tune of I have for all good wives a Song.
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Edmund.
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KInd Couzen David prethee stay,
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Good newes to thee I will bewray,
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Since last I saw thee I am married,
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Now things with me are better carryed,
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I dare say that which few men can,
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I have the best Wife that ever had man.
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David.
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I am right joyfull Couzen Ned,
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To heare that thou so well art sped:
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As thou mayst thy good fortune blesse,
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I may curse my unhappinesse;
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My torments none on earth can scan,
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I have the worst Wife that ever had man.
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Edmund.
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My wife for beautie beares the name,
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From all ith towne from whence she came,
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For shape she might a Lady be,
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And so all say that doe her see:
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Her middle I can easily span,
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O shees the best Wife that ever had man.
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David.
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My wife so lothsome is to view,
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She every morning makes me spew,
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For person shees scarce good enough
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To cry, maids ha ye any Kitchin-stuffe:
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She shineth like a Dripping pan,
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O shes the worst Wife that ever had man.
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Edmund.
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My wife is affable and meeke,
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To please my fancy she doth seeke,
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My humour she will never thwart,
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But dee my will with all her heart,
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We use no words but Ned and Nan,
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She is the best Wife that ever had man.
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David.
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My wife is obstinate and froward,
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Shees sullen, peevish, and untoward;
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Shees glad at heart when she can finde,
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Occasion to molest my minde:
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Sheel have her will doe what I can,
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O shes the worst Wife that ever had man.
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Edmund.
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My wife is carefull of her charge,
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She never comes abroad at large,
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Her businesse she will nere neglect,
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But brings all things to good effect:
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Shees to her Babes a Pelican,
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O shees the best Wife that ever had man.
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David.
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My wife among her Gossips doth gad,
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As though nothing to doe she had,
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The children goe undrest all day,
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Unlesse I put on their array:
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Ime faine to make what shift I can,
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For shes the worst wife that ever had man.
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Edmund.
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My wifes for constant chastity,
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Like Lucrece or Penelope:
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She is so wary in her carriage,
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That if a kisse would wrong her marriage,
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No one should get that favour than,
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For shees the best Wife that ever had man.
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David.
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My wife is full of merry tricks,
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She hath beene naught with five or sixe,
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If she can get me out oth doore,
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Ere I returne sheele play the whore,
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Sheel say though I cant others can,
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O shees the worst Wife that ever had man.
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The second part, To the same tune.
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Edmund.
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MY wife so cleanely is and neate,
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She adds a goodnesse to my meate,
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I eate when I no stomacke have,
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Because tis done as I doe crave,
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In sicknesse she is my Physician,
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For shes the best Wife that ever had man.
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David.
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My wife is such a beastly Slut,
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Unlesse it be an Egge or a Nut,
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I in the house dare nothing eat,
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For feare theres a poyson in the meate,
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The Dogs doe licke both Dish and Pan,
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O shes the worst Wife, etc.
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Edmund.
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My wife will weare no yellow hose,
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No wench can make her swell ith nose,
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She knowes that I to her am just,
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And in my faith she puts her trust;
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Sheele not be vext say what I can,
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For shes the best, etc.
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David.
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If I upon a woman looke,
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My wife will sweare upon a booke,
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That she is certainely a Whore,
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Though I nere saw the Woman before,
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Sheele claw her eyes out if she can,
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O shes the worst, etc.
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Edmund.
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My wife will never follow me,
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Goe where I will, at home stayes she,
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Though I from morne till night doe rome,
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She smiling bids me welcome home,
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This makes me haste home to my Nan,
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For shes the best, etc.
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David.
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If I unto the Ale-house goe,
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To drinke a Jugge of beere or so,
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Though nere so fast I thither hye,
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My wife is there as soone as I:
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At me and my friends shele curse and ban,
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For shes the worst, etc.
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Edmund.
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If any friends come home to me,
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My wife gives entertainment free,
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But out oth doores she will not stirre
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Unlesse I goe along with her,
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She scrapes and saves what ere she can,
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O shes the best, etc.
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David.
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My wife will at the Ale-house sit,
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And waste away both money and wit,
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Nay rather then sheele liquor lacke,
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Sheel sell the smocke from off her backe,
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Sheel steale from me all that she can,
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O shes the worst
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Edmund.
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Kind Cousen David I am very sorry,
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To heare thee tell so sad a story,
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Marriage and hanging now I see,
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Goe as they say by destiny
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I would thou couldst say as I can,
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I have the best wife, etc.
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David.
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I thanke you Cousen for your good will,
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Long may your blessing continue still,
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My crosse I must with patience beare,
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Till God or the Devill end my care,
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And thus I end as I began,
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I have the worst Wife that ever had man.
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Author.
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You wives who have heard this discourse
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Now shew whos better and whos worse.
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The best will freely buy this Song,
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The worst will shew she hath a tongue.
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The heads soone broken that is scald,
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And Jades will kicke if they be galld.
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